Welcome to tonight’s special 2 hour long episode of The Young and The Poisonous: a dramatic reading.
ANNOUNCEMENT: THIS RADIO SHOW HAS NOW BEEN CANCELED BECAUSE THE PRODUCERS FEEL IT INFLUENCES OTHERS TO BE TSTL DOORMATS. THIS IS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. BUT, THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE. DEAL WITH IT.
shuffles papers *shuffling noises*
Clears voice. Continues yelling in the way reporters often do:
HERE IS THEIR LIST OF REASONS!!! I WILL BE READING FROM ONE OF THE PRODUCER’S THOUGHTS ON THE MATTER WHICH THEY RANDOMLY THOUGHT YOU GUYS SHOULD KNOW. NOT THAT I CARE, ANYHOW. I HAVE TO READ THIS NO MATTER HOW FUCKING IDIOTIC IT IS:
1. The Theatrics! The fucking Queen, who may as well have a third eye and a mustache, is always jumping out of her chair, waving hands about, pointing fingers, and saying “Lies!”
The heroine also commits to being a theatre major:
“I’ve never had a choice about anything,” I spit at her.
As is one of the love interests, and I say love interest very lightly here:
“No, it’s not true. Twylla, it isn’t true, is it? You wouldn’t do that, not after all we said? All I told you?”
And the other love interest:
“He can’t have you,” he murmurs against my pipes. “You’re mine, my Twylla, my love.”
2. Tywlla (yes that’s really her name) forgives the assface who threatens her, more than once.
The correct response:
3. MC claims no one ever gave her choice, making her a fucking idiot since all she does is wait for shit to happen to her. It’s the formula for a doormat.
- Make sure the heroine is forced into a position she doesn’t want to be.
- Make sure the heroine is the quiet demure type.
- Don’t have the heroine speak up for herself, that will only curb the process of the doormat.
- Make sure there are two boy toys she can eye coddle and choose from, so the reader thinks she has choices.
- Don’t make the heroine try to find a way out. Let that stuff just fall into chaos and then at the last possible opportune moment have her speak for herself. It’ll trick the reader into thinking she stood up for herself.
“All we can do is stay quiet and do our best. We must be ghosts. That’s how you stay alive in this castle. You become a ghost. You keep your head down and you stay out of her way as much as you can.”
Bullcrap. My opinion is that a smart and badass heroine is someone who is able to intelligently get out of a situation she doesn’t want to be in, which does include making risky choices, and still remain with her head intact. Let’s all remember J.K. Rowling’s Harvard speech. You have to make risks. Although, you should still be smart about those risks. This heroine does neither.
4. The heroine guilt trips every fucking person in the novel. We must fear the queen! I’m (and I speak of all of us) all for being smart and making sure you don’t get your cut off, but I would much rather have a heroine who lives than a heroine who just sits there all day doing nothing.
5. The characters are inconsistent:
Merek’s character is the most inconsistent character I’ve come across in quite a long while. At first he’s broody, hikes up his lips in a smirk, and mouths off to people. Then, he tries to get to know Twylla. But, then when a predictable plot twist comes flying in he becomes the dramatic spoiled prince who cares for our poisoned doormat. You would think that a guy that professes to be so intelligent on so many matters would be able to see what’s right in front of him. Then, he’s the betrayed love interest who shoots evil eyes at everybody. Last but not least, he’s the nice guy.
The other love interest, Lief starts out a nice guy. He’s the friend. He’s the helper. He’s a dud. Suffice it to say, his character made no sense especially by the end of the book. By the time he tried to give reasons for his actions, I could care no more.
6. The insta-love that turned out to be just as insta no matter what we find out. That and “strawberry-flavored lust” descriptions.
The insta-love shot out of nowhere. There was no development. They were friends and then fucking kissing each other like dogs in mud to saying the L word. What even.
“But I can still kiss you?” he says. “When we’re alone?”
“Are you so hungry for my kisses?”
I’m not even going to go into the “forbidden lovers who attempt to run away together because no one understands their love” aspect. Please. No. NO.
7. She’s an idiot. She never thinks about what’s in the bottle she’s been taking, not until someone else mentions it to her. Even when they do, they have to hammer it into her until she stops being a cloistered nun about it. But, really that’s insulting to nuns. Have you guys ever met nuns? They are bad ass and a little mean sometimes.
8. She see’s a girl who’s pretty and what does she do?
“She’s very pretty. I don’t like her.
Then, she tries to look all intelligent, powerful, and better than any pretty girl because she’s different. She’s so different you guys. She can kill someone with a touch! Too bad, since that’s the only interesting thing about this book. In reality, she’s a fucking dim witted stuck-up doormat.
9. She’s the sympathetic heroine. I don’t even understand how a heroine who is an executioner can be so much of a pansy. Honestly, if someone can explain this to me I am all ears. Psychologically, a human who kills can suffer from a lot of trauma (the nazis at auschwitz, anyone?).
10. There is little to no plot for 60 percent of the novel. Even when the plot becomes apparent, it’s barely there. It’s chaotic. A little bit here, a little over there, oh and right there too.
11. The writing and characters are completely un-relatable and make you feel no emotion. This is my biggest fucking problem. I hate it when I’m bored. I don’t want the audience to be bored either. The writing is really awkward, forced, and lacks emotion. It doesn’t flow that well at all. By the time I got to sixty percent it was hard even to get one percentage. It’s so difficult to read, when it shouldn’t be.
I AM NOW GOING TO CONTINUE YELLING BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT REPORTERS DO! NOW. I AM FUCKING SURPRISED A PRODUCER HAD THE BALLS TO DO THIS. WHAT THE FUCK. HOW THE FUCK DO I GET THIS VODKA BOTTLE OPEN. IT’S LIKE A FUCKING TIME CAPSULE. FUCKING DAMMIT! AFTER HAVING TO LISTEN TO THAT. DEAR GOD. I FUCKING NEED A DRINK. SOMEONE! GET OVER HERE AND OPEN THIS DAMN BOTTLE.
Thank you to Edelweiss and Scholastic Inc for providing me with an Advanced Reader’s Copy in exchange for an honest review. This does not affect my opinion of the book or the content in my review.